A LETTER TO REMEMBER

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 Let's assume you're well organized. All your personal papers are in order, your will and living will are up to date, and you've named a health care proxy. You've readied final instructions and listed which of your heirs get which personal mementos. Are you done?

 No. As helpful as all your preparations are going to be, nowhere have you mentioned love.

 VJ Periyakoil, M.D. a specialist in geriatrics and palliative care at the Stanford University Medical Center,  has had countless conversations with people near the end of their lives. The most common thing they talk about, she says, is regret - regret that they hadn't spoken enough loving words to their spouse, or told their children how much they cared, or apologized for doing something hurtful, or thanked a special friend. 

 It's not too late, as long as you still can put pen to paper (or hand to keyboard). Think about writing your family or best friend a "last letter" showing what's in your heart. Your words will make their lives a little better.

 It's often tough to get started on such a letter, especially when you are still healthy and don't feel an immediate need. But there's help. The Stanford Letter Project, founded by Periyakoil, offers a friends-and-family letter template for your thoughts, as well as suggestions on what to include. You'll find the template and sample letters at med.stanford.edu/letter/friendsandfamily.

 Good letters start the way you might expect- acknowledging the important people in your life, telling them that you love them and expressing pride in their achievements. Maybe you think you don't have to write these things down because you've said them already. But spoken words sometimes get lost in the family scrum. Written, they can be held in the hand, and cherished, for life. You might also mention treasured moments you spent with your child, family or friend. 

 Next comes the harder part- the apology section. Many patients, looking back, find themselves pained by specific actions or behaviors that hurt one of the people they love, Periyakoil says. She urges you to say you're sorry. One letter won't fix, say, a distant relationship with a sister. But it might make her and you feel a little better. If you write this letter while still healthy, it might even impel you to try healing your relationship. In this respect, these letters become what Periyakoils calls a CT scan of your soul. They can open new paths while you're still alive. 

 You might also forgive anyone who has hurt you in the past, if you can. It's solace for those you love, and cathartic for you. If you can't forgive, keep mum. A last letter from you should be one of love and reconciliation, not spite. Death does not end your responsibility to those you leave behind. 

 Finally remember to thank people for the love and care you have received, and say goodbye.

 Once you're finished, put the letter (or letters) with your will or in a drawer where you store precious things. When you're ready, consider delivering the letter yourself. For your family, it will be an abiding gift. 

-Your Money Financially speaking, By Jane Bryant Quinn

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Good Questions, Great Conversations

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As you gather with loved ones for the holidays, think about preserving their memories and life lessons through oral histories. Here we've gathered some questions that can lead to meaningful conversations about family and values, along with tips to get you started. 

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Maybe there's someone close to you who has lived an interesting life. Or perhaps you'd like to preserve the memories of an elderly family member. Start with a short list of VIPs whose history you'd like to capture. 

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Next consider whether you'd like to interview them one-on-one or conduct a family gathering interview. Then arrange a time and place, and select questions that will get your loved one talking.

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*8 Great Questions*

1. What's your favorite place to visit in the world?

2. Are there any funny stories you want to tell me about?

3. What's the happiest moment of your life?

4. What are the most important lessons you've learned in life?

5. What do I need to know about our family's medical history that could affect my health?

6. Tell me about some traditions that have been passed down through our family. When and how did they get started?

7. How would you like to be remembered? ( You can use this to spark discussion about end of life wishes.)

8. Is there anything you have always wanted to tell me but never have? ( You can use this as a jumping off point for practical considerations, such as where estate planning documents are kept.)

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Setting The Stage For A Life Story

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Once you've chosen your questions and you're in a quiet comfortable place to interview, begin your video or audio recording (hint: you can use a smartphone app like Evernote to record audio). Start by stating the date and the name of the person you're interviewing. Then begin with lighthearted questions to break the ice. 

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If your family member is not exactly chatty, you may need some cues to get the conversation going. You can break out old family photo albums that might spark memories. Or make it a game: you can buy card decks with questions to ask family members and grandparents, or you can use an app like Conversation Starters.

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Sharing Treasured Moments

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Once you've captured the interview, ask your subject if they'll allow you to share it with other members of your family such as children or grandchildren. You might even consider using the Storycorps app, which allows you to upload your recording to their archive at the Library of Congress, which is full of interviews about the lives of everyday people. 

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Now that you have momentum, you can keep the conversation going all year with digital tools such as Skype and FaceTime. If you can't find time to call, try a virtual family reunion via a private Facebook page where everyone invited can share old photos, videos, and memories. You could even use a service like StoryWorth, which emails a question a week to the recipient you choose and compiles a year's worth of responses in a keepsake book.

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With a little effort, you can turn the stories of the people in your life into treasured keepsakes - portable insight that can be passed along from generation to generation. In the word of StoryCorps founder David Isay: "If we take time to listen, we'll find wisdom, wonder, and poetry in the lives around us... We all want to know our lives have mattered and we won't ever be forgotten."

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The Quest For More Questions

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For more ideas on what to ask, try the sample questions on one of these sights:

• Storycorps.org

• Ancestry.com

• Genealogy.com

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Next Steps

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• After these conversations on your family values, talk with your advisor about how you can incorporate your values into your financial plan.

• If these family conversations get you thinking about your estate and legacy planning, follow up with your advisor to take action in a coordinated way.

• Consider including your advisor in your next family meeting as a neutral third party who can facilitate a discussion about family legacy or charitable gaming.

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